i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
