Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
