Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
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