guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
