WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
