Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
