I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
