i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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