I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
