I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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