Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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