two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
