I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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