my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
