There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
