Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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