I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!