When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
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The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
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Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.