girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house