It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
