He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
