We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
