My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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