do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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