It's Friday. Sex?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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