I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
