we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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