my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
