Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
