3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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