I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
