I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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