I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
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