why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm like, not good at living.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
