i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
there is glitter all over my balls
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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