I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
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Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
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All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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