i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
