Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
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I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
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you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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