Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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