dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
