Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
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I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
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I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
my liver is dry heaving
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
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