I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
