Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
