my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
