apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
