1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
