Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I could make wine with my vomit
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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