C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
