Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
