the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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