apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
