ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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