Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
