Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
just come out here and I will go home with you...
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
