she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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