: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I'm having to shit out rocks
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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