I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Holy shit dude........stairs
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
