when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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