my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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