weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize