You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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