please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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